To my brothers struggling with porn addiction

I want you to know just how valuable and full of worth you are. You have done nothing to earn those blessings. They were graciously bestowed upon you from the Father at birth.

Since they were never earned, they can also never be taken away.

I know you might not feel very special or worthy of anything good in your life. Trust me, I’ve been there. Riddled with shame, condemnation, and guilt, I clung to a crumbling ledge for many years. 33 to be exact.

I felt lost, lonely, and utterly hopeless most of the time. I desired not to look at dirty magazines and lurid videos, but something inside compelled me. The urge was insatiable, and I was powerless to resist.

I remember breaking down to sob just moments after giving into the addiction yet another time. I would tell myself over and over that I wouldn’t do it again. Then the next time happened. And the next.

Each moment of weakness was followed by more shame. More guilt. More hopelessness. I can’t describe the darkness that enveloped my soul and wreaked havoc within my mind. I was defeated and lacked any belief of ever breaking free from the grip of porn.

I was a prisoner with a life sentence.

I put my wife through Hell for the first seventeen years of our marriage. I made her feel unworthy, ugly, and not good enough to please me. No matter how hard I tried to convince her the addiction was not her fault, my words were futile.

I completely trashed her fragile heart and destroyed what little trust we built over the years together. My words meant nothing because the fruit of my addiction betrayed them.

I would fall, we would fight, then quietly push everything back under the rug and out of sight. Until the next time. The vicious cycle continued for many years. I tried everything to stop. Rules. Having internet taken away. Checks on the computer. Sex Addicts Anonymous.

Nothing worked, and I eventually figured there was nothing I could ever do to change things.

About a year ago, my wife and I hit rock bottom and it appeared that separation was the only solution. I couldn’t imagine living without my bride and the two daughters we spent so many years raising together. I could only assume separation would lead to divorce and visitation rights every other weekend.

I was completely shattered and there was no inkling of hope in sight. My wife was beyond devastated and rightly so. I had finally broken her heart for the last time.

Then something happened that to this day I can’t properly explain with any words contained in the English language.

All I can say is, but God…

God, in His undying love, mercy, and grace reached down through the muck, mire, and filth I lived in and thumped my heart with a revelation of His goodness.

Everything changed.

In an instant, I had a new heart, a new perspective, and finally a faint glimmer of hope. For so long, I knew in my head how much God loved me. In that moment, I experienced His love as it enveloped my heart and made me brand new.

God, in His amazing mercy and grace, completely freed me of the addiction.

I want to encourage you, my brothers, to never give up. Just the fact you feel bad for looking at pornography is a good thing. It means you want to be free. It means you desire to walk in the light as He is in the light. It means God is working in you.

I am here to tell you there is hope. There is freedom from your addiction. It’s nothing you can ever accomplish on your own. It’s nothing anyone else on this planet can accomplish for you. There is only one way to lose the shackles of addiction.

It’s truth that makes you free. And truth has a name. It’s Jesus.

Stay the course. Cling to hope. Seek His kingdom and righteousness first.

You are never alone. You are not hopeless. You have immeasurable created value and worth. You are strong. I believe in you.

 

Be blessed in Him,

Chris

 

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